We even took a day to visit my husband's parents to see them since we could not let them see dad in the hospital. It didn't get easier being around close extended family, I just kept breaking down. My father-in-law has always had a good relationship with me, but I think with my daddy's passing, he want to be more of a father figure. He suggested that my mother-in-law and father-in-law come over for New Year's Eve later in the day. My husband agreed and I tried to go along with it. As soon as they showed up, I felt so disconnected and just out of it. Like I couldn't enjoy anything or even communicate without crying.
As soon as midnight hit, my husband came straight over to me, kissed and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay. Immediately I welled up with tears and ran into my bedroom and started balling with tears. I couldn't imagine a New Year with promises of hope and new slates when everything fell apart and I can't see the bright side of anything when a new year meant no daddy. No emails, no more birthday cards, no vacations, no more visits, no more watching the puppy bowl, not seeing my sister fall in love and get married, no hugs or "I love yous," and future dreams that will never be realized like being a grandfather.
It's hard when that all comes rushing into your mind all the time.
As soon as I collected myself I came out of my bedroom and everyone was packing up and leaving. I felt like I scared everyone out of our house but at the same time I knew it was too soon to "celebrate" anything.
After getting over that then we had to make arrangements at the funeral home. I felt totally out of it mentally and emotionally until the details came around. Death certificates, what should go on his memorial card, both versus and picture, and then it came time to pick out and urn and cremation details. The funeral director told us he would be present for the cremation and watch my dad go in and come out. At that point, in my mind, I had lost it. Thinking this wonderful person being reduced to dust or nothingness, killed me inside. I wanted to buy daddy's urn because we had a special connection and I chose an urn that has the color of the ocean and dolphins and is more rectangular, which I think is more his style. I was also very specific on what I wanted written on his urn and so it reads,
"Our Spark
Howard Kalov
December 28 1957 - December 28, 2019"
His memorial card was also written by me by two of his favorite Disney character, Sonny Eclipse and Figment. It reads,
"Goodnight little star
watch and keep him till we meet again
in the glow of a love without end
shining brightly like you do."
watch and keep him till we meet again
in the glow of a love without end
shining brightly like you do."
Daddy, you will always be that One Little Spark to us."
Breaking down after that visit at the funeral home was so difficult. But we still had to try and focus and now plan how we were going to honor him on his memorial on January 4th 2020. I would just break down at home going through pictures to put on memorial boards but I knew what to do after that when it came to floral, décor, and how to pass on my dad's favorite charity for donations in his name. Most of this was a given. The floral arrangements were going to be the colors of Figment : purple, yellow, pink, and white. His charity of choice was Give Kids the World Village, which helps kids with other abilities or who are on a Make a Wish trip get to stay at this beautiful resort at no cost and be able to do thing like be able to go swimming in a wheelchair or ride a rollercoaster, plus there is ice cream 24/7.
The hardest part was picking out and going through pictures of my daddy. All I could see was a very happy and loving father and husband who was full of life and laughter. While that is a good thing to look back at, it is hard when you realize you will never see that smile or hear that laugh and you are left without a daddy or a spouse for the rest of your life. The three of us balled like babies putting the memory boards together but they really showed who he was. We separated the boards into categories: Loving Spouse, Family Get Togethers, Baseball Howard, Disney Trips, and Other vacations and trips through the years.
In addition to the boards, we had his Gift of Hope Medal displayed, the Give Kids the World Charity information, 2 purple roses by his urn, little mementos of him, and lastly purple Mickey shaped balloons. This may seem odd for a memorial but let me explain.
Through my mom's eulogy she shared this beautiful story of when they were dating and went to Disneyland. One of the restaurants they went to gave them Mickey balloons, which weren't practical for rollercoaster riders, as my mom pointed out. So they both decided to give their balloons to children who looked like they could use some Disney magic. My mom had a blue balloon and my dad had a purple balloon. Well my mom wanted to ride the rides as soon as possible so she found her kid pretty quickly, but daddy was taking his time. She, in the most playful way, told my dad he is going to have to find someone soon or they couldn't ride anything. Right as she said that, my daddy turned around and saw a young girl in a purple wheelchair, who appeared to have cerebral palsy. Daddy immediately went up to the parent asking permission to give the balloon to this girl and of course he got a huge yes. Daddy then asked the girl if she would be willing to take care of his purple balloon because the balloon wanted to be with her all day and that he would be honored if she would. This little girl was ecstatic because it matched her wheelchair and because of daddy's kindness. He tied the balloon to the wheelchair and told her thank you for taking care of this precious balloon.
That's the kind of guy my dad was. As a family we still give away stickers or gifted cookies we get at the resort because you need to make opportunities of magic whenever you can.
So that's why we honored him with purple Mickey shaped balloons.
When we had that all figured out, the hardest part was how to eulogize my daddy because he meant more than the world to me and was like a best friend. When you are not ready to say good bye and are still in disbelief how can you even find the words? He was the most loving, generous, and brightest spark of laughter and light, and anyone would tell you that. But as his little brown eyed girl i had to put into words 31 years of love, memories, and undoubtly heartbreak.
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